Sweeter Outreach

3 mindset shifts for better connection

Hello there! I’ve been thinking a lot about community lately. Now that I’m working largely on my own (and often, at home), I have too many days where I don’t really talk to anyone. And considering how I’m almost always wearing prescription sunglasses when I do go out, I don’t exactly give off a welcoming vibe.

This week’s sweetener started with asking myself the question, “how can I be better at connecting with strangers?”

The context:

We’re good at getting in our own way, especially when it comes to relationships. Reluctance to reach out – despite how good it is for our well-being – is normal. For me, this manifests in a few ways:

• Wanting to chat with the friendly-looking stranger on the pilates mat next to mine before class starts. I assume they aren’t interested and keep looking in the mirror

• Yearning for a deeper conversation over lunch with an old coworker. I worry it will be awkward and stick to office gossip 

• Feeling compelled to text an only-relatively close friend a kind word. I try a few times but struggle to craft the message perfectly and just keep it to myself 

Maybe this reluctance is fair.  

But I think that I’m at least a little in my head. And the data says so, too. 

What I learned:

Research suggests that concerns like mine are often misplaced. If anything, we tend to underestimate how positively people will respond to us.

Here are a few tricks our minds play on us: 

1. We overanalyze our own competence. Of course, two people can interpret the same interaction differently because of their unique perspectives. But your perspective isn’t necessarily doing you any favors. 

   We’re more likely to judge our own actions through a lens of competency (did we say every point exactly correctly?), while others are more likely to judge our actions in terms of warmth (did we seem friendly and trustworthy?). 

   Stop overthinking and just be warm. 

2. We anticipate a broad range of possible outcomes (often negative) that are possible in principle, but don’t tend to be true in practice.

   In principle, complimenting the person in line next to you could lead to them scoffing or even just ignoring you. In practice, most people will smile and say thank you. In principle, telling a friend that you are struggling at your job could lead to them laughing at you. In practice, trusting them will probably yield trust in return. 

   Social interactions are “less like two marbles unaffected by each others’ presence and instead more like two magnets whose poles attract to create interdependent reactions.” 

   Don’t underestimate your pull. 

3. This one’s intuitive: we underestimate the positive effects of socializing especially when our expectations keep us from trying in the first place.

   Let me explain with the example of Uber rides.

   The data shows that riders who normally talk to their driver expect to have a better ride when they have a conversation with their driver. And riders who rarely talk to their driver expect the opposite. The thing is, both groups have a significantly more positive experience when they talk. But if your expectations keep you from reaching out  (i.e. if this statement resonates with you: “My rides are more enjoyable when I don’t talk to the driver, so I never do”) you never have a chance to realize the benefits.

   Try something new. 

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Here’s to more, richer conversations.

Until next time,

J